Being liked can feel unusually important when you step into a leadership role, join a new culture or take responsibility for an unfamiliar team. A cool response, a difficult meeting or a colleague’s hesitation can quickly become a personal conclusion: They do not like me, so perhaps I am not good enough for this role.
That conclusion is rarely the only explanation available. People bring different expectations, working styles, histories and preferences to every professional relationship. Their response can contain useful feedback, but it is not a complete measure of your capability.
The aim is not to stop caring about people. It is to separate three things that easily become tangled: another person’s preference, the feedback you need to hear and your own worth as a leader.
Why the need to be liked becomes stronger in a new role
New leadership roles come with uncertainty. You are learning the culture while other people are learning what to expect from you. In that gap, the mind often tries to create certainty from incomplete information.
A team member disagrees with a decision. Someone is less warm than you expected. A meeting feels flat. Instead of treating these as individual moments, you may turn them into a story about who you are: I am not fitting in. I am missing something. I may not be leadership material.
This is understandable, but it makes every interaction carry more weight than it needs to. Six weeks in a new environment is evidence that you are still learning it. It is not a final verdict on your leadership.
What a coffee preference can teach us about approval
In a recent conversation, a leader I was working with was worried that people in her new workplace did not like her. As we prepared to order coffee, she confidently assumed I would choose black coffee.
When I said I did not like it, she was surprised. Then came a simple observation: my preference was not the coffee’s fault.
That small exchange created a useful distinction. We all have preferences. We may prefer one drink, one communication style or one kind of leader. A preference describes the relationship between a person and an experience; it does not automatically describe the value of the thing being judged.
The same is true at work. Someone’s discomfort with your style may point to an adjustment worth considering. It may also reflect what is familiar to them. You need curiosity to tell the difference, not a quick conclusion that something is wrong with you.
Separate preference, feedback and performance
When approval feels important, use three questions to slow the story down.
1. Is this a preference?
People may prefer more detail, less detail, faster decisions, more discussion or a different tone. You can adapt where it helps without treating every preference as a standard you have failed to meet.
2. Is there specific feedback here?
Useful feedback is concrete. It points to an action, effect or pattern that you can examine. “You did not explain the decision criteria” gives you something to work with. “They do not like me” does not.
Ask for examples. Listen for patterns across several interactions. Decide what you want to change and what you want to preserve.
3. What does the evidence say about my performance?
Return to the responsibilities of the role. Are expectations clear? Are decisions being made? Are commitments being met? Are people able to raise concerns? These questions offer a steadier basis for reflection than trying to read every reaction in the room.
Lead with clarity instead of performing for approval
Seeking approval can quietly change how you lead. You may avoid a necessary conversation, soften a clear boundary or keep changing direction to reduce immediate discomfort. That may create short-term relief, but it can also make you less predictable.
A more useful goal is to be clear, respectful and open to evidence. You can care about the quality of your relationships without making universal approval a condition for acting.
This does not mean becoming rigid. It means choosing adjustments deliberately. You listen because the information matters, not because every sign of disagreement must be removed.
A short reflection for difficult moments
When you notice yourself personalising someone’s response, pause and write down:
- What happened, without interpretation?
- What story am I adding?
- What specific feedback is available?
- What might be a difference in preference or style?
- What action would reflect the leader I want to be?
The pause creates room between another person’s reaction and your conclusion about yourself. That room is where a more grounded response becomes possible.
If you are stepping into a bigger role or navigating a demanding organisational change, leadership transition coaching can provide a structured space to examine these patterns and choose your next steps with clarity.
You do not need everyone to prefer your style. You need enough self-awareness to learn, enough steadiness to stay in the conversation and enough discernment to know which feedback should shape what you do next.